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Interpersonal
Relationships Many clients have expressed how hard it is to receive criticism. They feel battered and defeated and find it hard to bounce back from what they perceive is an attack. If your boss has a habit of pointing out your flaws, learn how to listen to the criticism and keep your self esteem in tact. When criticized, the common reaction is to react with defensiveness. You feel attacked and resent being labeled as “wrong”, so you react with defensiveness, offer proof you are right with rationale or excuses, get angry or withdraw into your shell. Suppress your inner desire to react and instead respond in discovery mode. When your boss or coworker criticizes you, ask questions to understand the problem fully. Be careful not to put him/her on the defensive and above all do not argue. Avoid questions beginning with “Why…” as they tend to put people in defensive mode as they will respond with “Because…” The purpose of getting in discovery mode is to fully understand the problem or situation so that you may work together to find a solution. Asking questions will calm tense situations and create an atmosphere of cooperation and problem solving. Discovery produces a win-win ending. It is especially important to use the discovery technique when you are being unjustly criticized. You may not understand where the criticism is coming from and many times it turns out to be a misunderstanding that is easily rectified. Role playing with a coach or counselor is a great way to practice this technique. In the book, Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, David D. Burns (see Joni’s top 10 Book Picks at www.careerminded.ca/resources.html ) lays out a 3 point plan when you are under the fire of criticism. Step one is to empathize with your critic and try and understand the situation from their point of view. Step 2 is to disarm the critic by finding a way to agree with what they are saying. Step 3 is feedback and negotiation. Once you have listened to your critic and with empathy, disarmed them by agreeing with them, “…you will then be in a position to explain your position and emotions tactfully but assertively, and to negotiate any real differences.” This is a skill worth developing. Being seen as open to constructive criticism is an asset employers want.
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